tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8400455429821166661.post6974248746736922533..comments2023-12-20T05:59:21.610-05:00Comments on Black-Eyed Susan's: draftsusanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14924982664582970754noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8400455429821166661.post-32826934041768549242008-01-27T07:58:00.000-05:002008-01-27T07:58:00.000-05:00Thank you all. I'll keep it. Eventually, I'll revi...Thank you all. I'll keep it. Eventually, I'll revisit it and revise. Currently, there is a need, an urging to address other themes, primarily politics and global concerns.susanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14924982664582970754noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8400455429821166661.post-38094548261341180072008-01-26T23:00:00.000-05:002008-01-26T23:00:00.000-05:00I like the idea behind it, too. I don't think you ...I like the idea behind it, too. I don't think you should chuck it. The others' comments should help with what doesn't work as deftly as you'd like it to.Debhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14744896385434246402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8400455429821166661.post-21105209416143093842008-01-25T06:14:00.000-05:002008-01-25T06:14:00.000-05:00Hi Susan, and welcome to our group! I think the pr...Hi Susan, and welcome to our group! I think the premise of your poem is great, Susan. I think the order of your story could use some tweaking as others have said here. But I just love the whole idea of this one. Why not think on it for a bit cuz chucking it seems extreme. You have almost a whole poem there..:) <BR/><BR/><A HREF="http://janetleigh.wordpress.com/" REL="nofollow">Poetmeister...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8400455429821166661.post-82507720991287882082008-01-24T18:17:00.000-05:002008-01-24T18:17:00.000-05:00I think it needs a lot work or chuck it. My focus ...I think it needs a lot work or chuck it. My focus was actually trying to encorporate all the elements U.P. dictated. I was conscious of trying to create open images, writing a beginning, middle and end. I think SA said what I knew after-the-fact, I started more in the middle.susanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14924982664582970754noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8400455429821166661.post-25112404435431559512008-01-24T18:11:00.000-05:002008-01-24T18:11:00.000-05:00I think you have all the words you need, but it mi...I think you have all the words you need, but it might work better in a different order.<BR/><BR/>Five steps in and I could reach out to my left<BR/>and pull on its tonsils <BR/>then there would be light.<BR/><BR/>It smelled like soured food-<BR/>its teeth <BR/>crooked and splintered.<BR/><BR/>They creaked<BR/>with each step I took-<BR/>like crawling into its belly.<BR/><BR/>My eyes adjusted,<BR/>writerwomanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07645753712657412094noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8400455429821166661.post-42314669604309856292008-01-24T18:09:00.000-05:002008-01-24T18:09:00.000-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.writerwomanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07645753712657412094noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8400455429821166661.post-29326133536855482652008-01-24T18:03:00.000-05:002008-01-24T18:03:00.000-05:00Update on I Promise List at PWB. Please check it o...Update on I Promise List at PWB. Please check it out.writerwomanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07645753712657412094noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8400455429821166661.post-60506499954807570362008-01-24T04:22:00.000-05:002008-01-24T04:22:00.000-05:00I like it. It just seems like the poem started in ...I like it. It just seems like the poem started in the middle. <BR/><BR/>SASAhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06883246938974320603noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8400455429821166661.post-102456276684286922008-01-23T23:37:00.000-05:002008-01-23T23:37:00.000-05:00I think it might help to take it moment by moment,...I think it might help to take it moment by moment, anchoring each to the impression then. This has fear and - for lack of a better word - ickyness, but there's nothing concrete: "would be light" and "convinced... I saw".Plain Foolishhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02922112483988477841noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8400455429821166661.post-42697417286900112832008-01-23T23:09:00.000-05:002008-01-23T23:09:00.000-05:00Based on what you wrote, I wrote something similar...Based on what you wrote, I wrote something similar. Perhaps, some ideas you can take? I'm better at showing than explaining<BR/><BR/>Crawling into its belly surfaced the <BR/>smell of soured food that lodged<BR/>itself between the empty spaced gaps <BR/><BR/>and hid a tonsil to the left of<BR/>five feet in with an expulsion<BR/>of light from disturbing its <BR/><BR/>rest. The lens focused Noah the Greathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11777681562599472033noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8400455429821166661.post-55509825268639533652008-01-23T20:08:00.000-05:002008-01-23T20:08:00.000-05:00Tumblewords, rereading it now, I agree. I need to ...Tumblewords, rereading it now, I agree. I need to rework it without the 'likes.'susanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14924982664582970754noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8400455429821166661.post-57737813329020652432008-01-23T19:35:00.000-05:002008-01-23T19:35:00.000-05:00Like Paisley, I like the personification but wonde...Like Paisley, I like the personification but wonder if it wouldn't read stronger without the 'like's' ie.<BR/>crawling into its belly<BR/>smelled sour food<BR/>crooked teeth splintered<BR/>creaked....<BR/>Or something! Grin. <BR/>I laughed when I read your final sentence. How often does that happen to each of us?? LOLTumblewords:https://www.blogger.com/profile/04279038951489894119noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8400455429821166661.post-62731110998560307192008-01-23T19:02:00.000-05:002008-01-23T19:02:00.000-05:00i really like the premise,, humanizing it like yo...i really like the premise,, humanizing it like you have....paisleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08231453820728399262noreply@blogger.com