Monday, January 28, 2008

draft

It was smooth and cool to the touch, a piece of the moon,
broken off
from the stars and strung just for her,
celestial energy she could caress.

During the day, she wore a red flower brilliant
as
the sun’s heat in her hair. But it was pure adornment
unlike the jewel she knew was her source, the moon,
that body that spoke to women who knew themselves.

Absently, with her fingers delicate as gossamer,
she reached up and touched the stone, a piece of the moon,
broken off from the stars and strung just for her,
a celestial body that spoke to her.

One evening, while standing where the island stretches
off the coast
like the edge of despair or the beginning
of bliss, she said to me, “Your backbone rigid like
broken edges of rock could be strong instead of rigid.
Why ride the bicycle careening down the hill
like a reckless child who hasn’t learn to harness her power?”

With hands as soft as the down newborns wear,
she took my hands and placed them on her breast.
I half expected a lullaby instead she wailed;
a crazy bird its song like women weeping.
The screeching she spun off made me feel like the child
riding the bicycle careening down the hill.

I wanted no part of this. Where was the blazing sun, rays
lulling me into oblivion where days pass like heat waves
shimmering off sand? I’d rather suffer a litany
from a lover, his monotonous voice like white noise,
dry drowning me.


Then I felt her cradling me. I felt the cool, smooth stone,
pressed against my forehead, a piece of the moon,
broken off from the stars and strung just from me.
No wailing, but the sweet lullaby I wanted.
I knew her and the moon, that body that spoke to me.
She taught me how to harness my power.






14 comments:

paisley said...

the moon, broken off ((like))

this was particularly difficult... i am anxious to see where it leads,, and god willing it will lead somewhere......

excellent entry by the way....

deathsweep said...

I had the biggest problem with "she spun off like" as is evidenced in what I wrote but yours seems perfect. Nice!

susan said...

Thanks paisley and deathsweep. I'll be by shortly. Appreciate you taking time to read and comment.

tumblewords said...

Well done! Some of the prompt phrases were very nice, but surely the conversion to simile made it a difficult piece to write - at least for me... Repetition here worked and surely extended the length!

gautami tripathy said...

Mostly in poetry, I avoid using the, and, but, like. This prompt made it difficult to leave those words. Nonetheless, I minimised the usage.

Reading yours, I felt that you too have made abundance use of those along with repeat lines..

I too feel you should work on the uneven lines.

You say, it is a draft. I suppose, you will work on it later..

susan said...

guatami,
Why do you avoid those words? Do you find they are ineffective and if so, why? Are you opposed to simile in general? Please explain how making the line lengths more uniform will improve the work.

I appreciate you taking time to read and comment.

SA said...

I think its well done Susan. From what I get the purpose of the exercise is to create smilies that are effective. Not many people write poems filled with as many likes, as etc's as this exercise asked for. I thought it was a good story you told.

paisley said...

i guess i was less interested in creating a story line than i was making all the likes and as-es as unobtrusive as i could by creating a rush of visuals that would carry the eye away from them...

i see here what you were looking for,,, but i think i'll leave the one i have alone for the time being... not because i don't appreciate your ideas,, i just want a valid record of where these lessons are taking me.... sort of a poetic journey if you will.....

girl you need to fix your feed .. it cant be that difficult.. i will help you or do it for you as it really hinders me as a reader (and i know i am not alone in this)not to be able to access your work in my routine way of doing so .. i have to physically remember to come here,, and that isn't fair to you....

susan said...

Hi paisley, sometimes a work/exercise doesn't resonate with writer or reader. I try to remember that creating isn't a race. Often, it is better to let a thing set a spell. That is my opinion. If you tried and got something out of the effort, that matters.

Cloudscome said...

I really like where this is going.

mariacristina said...

You made the phrases your own, and told a story, creating a sense of serenity.

Michelle Johnson said...

I loved your effort here, Susan. I love the way you kept repeating the key phrases and made them your own while still telling a story. I hope you will stop by to see my effort soon. I don't know that I did the exercise exactly as you would have liked but, I am pleased with my outcome. I usually write this way though so, it was a natural process for me. Usually a piece only has one or two like/ as throughout the poem but, I still had fun with this process. Thanks for creating a nice prompt. Also, I try to avoid the ands and thes as much as possible because they do not add anything to the piece. Unfortunately, I still get caught up in them more than I would like to. Have a nice weekend. Happy Writing~

Jo said...

Beautiful!

writerwoman said...

heck“Your backbone rigid like
broken edges of rock could be strong instead of rigid.
Why ride the bicycle careening down the hill
like a reckless child who hasn’t learn to harness her power?”

I found that part hypnotic. I read it several times.