Thursday, February 7, 2008

Homeland Security

We huddled close;
I wanted to tuck in

fold out bush
push back sand
and silence the wind.

We huddled close to one another;
he didn't pray but I

guided by measured breath and chant,
I rocked;

watched the light flicker in our womb.
I wanted homeland security.

We huddled close, each to the other.




14 comments:

writerwoman said...

The idea of Homeland Security brings to mind one image (national disaster) and the rest of the poem another one (personal connection.)

I like how those ideas are both brought together in this peace. And the idea of homeland meaning your own home.

Pat Paulk said...

I can't think of any better security, or at least it beats hugging alone. Thanks for coming by!!

pia said...

Agree with writerwoman--kind of took my comment :)

Love the new template

Re 3WW--I'm probably Bone's biggest shill and hence 3WW but was lazy yesterday and today :)

susan said...

Hi Pia, I ascribe to the idea the personal is political. Our political agenda and actions do impact us personally. The exercise asked us to create something intimate, close to home (pun intended). For me, this isn't simply a matter of security in our homes but I'll hold off from unduly coloring views. :-)

Glad you like the new look. I'll be by your place today, too.

paisley said...

there is a wonderful sense of security here.. i feel something akin to a cold wind blowing thru....

scribblingsandsketches said...

The lines are very spare and therefore very strong. I think the enjambements work well - they build up tension. I found myself reading faster just to know what would come next.

Just wondering if this would work better with a bit more detailed imagery, though? Not sure myself if it needs it - because the focus is on the voice - but perhaps doing this can add something without distracting.

That's intellectual consideration. On an emotional level - I loved this.

Warm wishes,

Ario

susan said...

Hi Ario,

I have wondered the same- does this need more imagery? I'm open to suggestions. In fact, I post, hoping to get ideas and direction I could not find on my own. Thanks for reading and commenting. Glad to hear the enjambment works. I'm often usure about line breaks and enjambment. Employing these require practice and willingness to hear when I've missed the mark.

Thanks paisely.

noahthegreat said...

Homeland Security is a great title for this; somehow, I figured out what the poem was going to say before I read it.

I think that's a good thing.

susan said...

Hi Noah, Thanks for reading and commenting. Looking forward to reading your take on the prompt.

jason evans said...

This captures well the feeling of hugeness in such an otherwise small, personal connection.

susan said...

Yes! Thank you, Jason.

SA said...

I found it very tender. The sparseness also tinged it somewhat sad.

mariacristina said...

I like the double entendre of bush, sand, wind, womb, the irony of "he didn't pray"

so, there seems to be two thoughts running through the poem: the political aspect of the war and the narrator's desire for a differnt leader, and the way the narrator and "he" come together, and how each copes with a lack of homeland security, which also has a double meaning.

That's how I read it. A deceptively simple poem, that's actually quite complex.

The one I'm working on for TLP is nowhere near this complicated, but I'm still enjoying the process.

Terrific work.

scribblingsandsketches said...

I have wondered the same- does this need more imagery?

Not so sure today. I think there are two ways you can go with this: you could add some more imagery (pin-pointing aspects of the scenery, the people involved) but this may weigh the poem down.

I'm wondering if you could pare what you have here down even further. I.e:

We huddled close;
I wanted to tuck in

fold out bush
push back sand
and silence the wind.

We huddled close;
he didn't pray but I,

measured breath and chant,
I rocked

the light flicker in our womb.
I wanted homeland security.

We huddled close, [...]

So what you'd have here is just the start of a poem and We huddled close would be the refrain. I think to one another and each to the other could be left out because the concept of togetherness seems already implicit in huddle close. Although for the sake of the melody and tone it could of course always be left in.

Either way my feeling is that this poem may be further enriched by an extra stanza or two.

Hope that this helps you along in some way.

Warm wishes,

Ario