Here's my response to 3WW
Better Than Nexflex
We were comforted by the lines we weaved
in our virtual world we were all we needed
each other to be. No glaring headlights not even flashlights
flickering on freckles or flab flashed on the screen
warning of us the closing credits would roll soon.
No curtains drawn in our private theater.
Revision
Better Than Nexflex
We were comforted by the lines we weaved
in our virtual world we were all we needed
each other to be. No glaring headlights not even flashlights
flickering on freckles or flab flashed on the screen no
warning that closing credits would roll soon.
No curtains drawn in our private theater.
11 comments:
Interesting idea of curtains not being drawn in your personal theatre.
Welcome to 3WW! :)
I was so drawn in by the way each word played off each other---I read it three or four times
It really captures lust
courting destiny
Susan
I like the way you weaved the words together, it flowed well. Loved the closing line!
Christy
oh susan,, that was so intimately woven.. i loved it...
Such a unique and different take on these words, thank you...I loved the last lines too about the curtain always open in our personal theatre...thanks again.
UL
hmm theatre room with no walls...loved it...
This is really wonderful. It's true, the blogosphere provides a comfort to writers and artists, who would be so much more isolated otherwise.
I like how you posted your revision too. The second one is so much smoother. It's a testament to the art of editing one's work.
Hi Maria Christina,
I don't know how to write without edits and revisions. I intend to post more edits with my entries in the future because the reality is my first drafts (posted drafts) are usually after a half-dozen rougher drafts, and I typically continue to revise for several more drafts depending on how serious I am about a piece. A habit I learned from a favorite professor who happens to be a huge Dickinson fan, and Dickinson was quite the revisionist. Have I mentioned I am new fan of your work. I read your blog regularly.
Thanks to all for commenting.
I agree with Pia. The words roll of each other.
unfinished chapter
Wonderful write, Susan. The second revision is the smoothest and the last line is my favorite. Thanks for sharing. Keep up the good work.
Hi Susan. I like the poem and the revision, but I agree with others that the second is a smoother read. And the last light is great.
Thanks for posting the revision.
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