Thursday, December 6, 2007

continued- And the List Goes On

Revision

And the List Goes On

1.
Ronald: internal rage splattered against a backroom pillow
with a single shot. Self-inflicted.

2.
Arverna: never beautiful enough despite chiseled biceps
and nose, asphyxiated on perfectly combed white carpet.
Cause of death unknown.

3.
John: atrophied limbs and immobility closed off freedom
in a locked mind. He starved off hope, then muscle till his
bones were light enough to float to Heaven.


4.
Roland:chewed cinnamon sticks and teas couldn't repair
needles' fatal injection. Sobriety is no
bargaining chip for AIDS' inevitable sentence.


5.
Ernestine: Auburn red, Ole Opry hair and a-line skirts
gave way to diapers and half-sentences by 70.
Whispered her last, "Hello Darling!" after a stroke
and before another decade she couldn't remember.

6.
Sidney: just a blue-collar brother,
out after 30, looking forward to
grandchildren and talkin' shit full-time.
Gone after a no contest with cancer.

7.
Gina: not even half a century, and like her
brother, cancer came violently and swiftly.
Raced through her body like a band on a
cross-country tour. Last show was final.


Oringinal

And the List Goes On

Ronald: internal rage splattered
against a backroom pillow with a single shot.

Arverna: never beautiful enough despite chiseled biceps
and nose, aphixisated on perfectly combed white carpet.

John: loss of mobility and limb. No freedom in a locked mind.
Starved off hope, then muscle till bones were light enough
to float to Heaven.

Roland: cinnamon sticks and teas couldn't repair
needles' fatal injection. Sobriety is no
bargaining chip for AIDS' inevitable sentence.

Ernestine: Auburn Red, Dolly Parton hair
and A-line skirts gave way to diapers
and half-sentences by 70. Whispered her last,
"Hello Darling" after a stroke and before
another decade she couldn't remember.

Sidney: just a blue-collar brother,
Out after 30, looking forward to
grandchildren and talkin' shit full-time.
Gone after a no contest with cancer.

Gina: not even half a century, and like her
brother, cancer came violently and swiftly.
Raced through her body like a band on a
cross-country tour. Last show was final
and the audience wept.



This draft is my attempt at the list poem. It's not where I want it to be yet. Your comments are welcome.

List poem reference:
http://64.233.169.104/search?q=
cache:mS1YOyBGMVwJ:www.babinlearn.com/
pdf%2520files/
Poetry/
THE%2520LIST%2520POEM.pdf+list+poem&hl
=en&ct=clnk&cd=4&gl=us&client=firefox-a



3 comments:

...deb said...

What I find the most interesting, other than the subject itself, so well done - wonderfully inventive and compelling - , is how it seems to go from abbreviated and somewhat detached to more and more detail and involved. (I am trying to ignore others' comments. And your responses!)

The murders seem abstract (since the narrator was not / could not be there) and the others more closely observed. Certainly they were, due to the lingering demise(s).

Not ignoring Christine, maybe a named dye color (perhaps you did - but you could expand) could take place of Dolly's name. Though it did not offend me. I am old enough (and have family just like that) to understand what big hair really means.

This is a beautiful tribute to lives, gone. I like it a great deal.


***

On a completely different note: I don't know if you want one more prompt group, but ReadWritePoem is up and at 'em. Would love to see you there if you are inclined.

http://readwritepoem.org/

susan said...

Hi deb,
Glad you came by and appreciate your comments. I do have rwp listed but I use a drop down box. I do need to get my butt back there. The dye suggestion might be a good fix.

susan said...

Minor changes made but I hope they improve the work. Let me know what you think.