Saturday, January 12, 2008

draft

And the List Goes On

Ronald: internal rage splattered
against a backroom pillow with a single shot.

Arverna: never beautiful enough despite chiseled biceps
and nose, aphixisated on perfectly combed white carpet.

continued


4 comments:

mariacristina said...

So, what is it you want us to look for?

I have a hard time saying anything negative about someone's work, even though here I only have good things to say.

I try to comment on what's strong, or what I recall from the piece I just read. So, here goes:

to me this poem has a zany cast of characters who've all died from sundry causes. It sounds like a backdoor or kitchen obituary, the real story that accidentally got printed in the paper.

It was interesting to read and showed humor in the face of death, something I need, for sure.

I would keep adding to it, maybe find a way to close it somehow, but the poem is solid. Let me know if you add to it, or change it. Very good stuff.

susan said...

mc,it's helps to read how a reader perceives a work. Another reader saw this as somber and detached which is closer to my intent. I appreciate your feedback because it shows me how this can go another direction. Can you tell me why this struck you as humorous? Honestly sharing how a work can be better is never negative in my opinion. Even if it sucked, if you offered a suggestion how to improve it, I could take it. :-) Thanks for the feedback.

mariacristina said...

I think the recounting of how these people died was so stark I detached myself from any emotional connection with them.

Mabe the reference to Dolly Parton added a sense of burlesque or absurdity. Maybe the word I'm looking for here is a sense of the absurd.

susan said...

Ah, I hear you. I always saw the hair Dolly-esque. I think the speaker is detached or creates distance as a way to process death. This is rough. I appreciate you coming back to this.