And the List Goes On
Ronald: internal rage splattered
against a backroom pillow with a single shot.
Arverna: never beautiful enough despite chiseled biceps
and nose, aphixisated on perfectly combed white carpet.
continued
Ronald: internal rage splattered
against a backroom pillow with a single shot.
Arverna: never beautiful enough despite chiseled biceps
and nose, aphixisated on perfectly combed white carpet.
continued
4 comments:
So, what is it you want us to look for?
I have a hard time saying anything negative about someone's work, even though here I only have good things to say.
I try to comment on what's strong, or what I recall from the piece I just read. So, here goes:
to me this poem has a zany cast of characters who've all died from sundry causes. It sounds like a backdoor or kitchen obituary, the real story that accidentally got printed in the paper.
It was interesting to read and showed humor in the face of death, something I need, for sure.
I would keep adding to it, maybe find a way to close it somehow, but the poem is solid. Let me know if you add to it, or change it. Very good stuff.
mc,it's helps to read how a reader perceives a work. Another reader saw this as somber and detached which is closer to my intent. I appreciate your feedback because it shows me how this can go another direction. Can you tell me why this struck you as humorous? Honestly sharing how a work can be better is never negative in my opinion. Even if it sucked, if you offered a suggestion how to improve it, I could take it. :-) Thanks for the feedback.
I think the recounting of how these people died was so stark I detached myself from any emotional connection with them.
Mabe the reference to Dolly Parton added a sense of burlesque or absurdity. Maybe the word I'm looking for here is a sense of the absurd.
Ah, I hear you. I always saw the hair Dolly-esque. I think the speaker is detached or creates distance as a way to process death. This is rough. I appreciate you coming back to this.
Post a Comment