Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Confession Tuesday

I suffer selective withdrawal. When I feel depressed, stressed or overwhelmed especially all three, I withdraw from the very things I know help me cope. I avoid friends, stop writing and stop walking. Of course this makes no sense. But then when does dysfunction make sense?

Anyhoo, I’m still breathing and I’m crawling out my dark hole for the one-thousandth time. Work is getting easier. I’m no longer riding the bus and have access to a car five days a week. Joined a group for using writing as a way to lose weight. Maybe you’re thinking, “She just said she withdraws, abandons what already works and then she proceeds to up another project?” Yep, I did. Why, because I’m a habitual joiner, a passionate, neurotic who depletes her emotional reserve regularly enough to recognize her pattern but hasn’t quite figured out her to quit the insanity completely.

So, like I was saying, work is better. I’m driving. I’m walking again, and I joined this writers’ group. In the last month, while I haven’t been blogging, I have been reading. In fact, I’m in the current throes of a serious reading binge. That’s because I belong to, you guessed it, a readers’ group. We are tracking our total pages read during 3-day rounds for a reading challenge called Last Tagger Standing. Tagger refers to the group’s goal of reading a different tag or genre each month. In April, I read twenty-one titles. In May, for the writers’ dieting group, I began reading The Writing Diet: Write Yourself Right-Size, by writing guru, Julia Cameron.

And that brings me back to blogging. Now, I’m reading and attempting to write myself to my right size. If you’re still following along with this babble, I hope you don’t think reading me is any indication that you’ve got any neurosis of your own.

Hopefully, by the time you get around to reading comments on your blog, you’ll be reading mine maybe thinking, “She’s back- again.”


Anonymous said...

i'm so impressed there's a group based on that book! i'd started it a couple months ago and stopped. you may have inspired me to commit to it again.

i do the same thing as you but i call it "hiding." i didn't come up with the term. people in my life have called me out on the hiding. they see it before i do. i do it anyway sometimes.

i'm glad you're doing some things to take care of yourself. maybe we could do some of the exercises in the book via email or something. i could be a virtual group member. :)

susan said...

Hey Carolee! Would you like to join us? I'd gladly ask the group. If not, I know you belong to enough groups, too. Yes, we can write each other. We could be each other's buddy.

January said...

I'm glad things are better for you. We missed you in April, but good to know that you are taking care of yourself.

Keep writing!

...deb said...

Whoa ladies: sign me up for the virtual exercise buddy-group. I am at my all-time high and am too digusted with my underwear-ing image to go shopping. (TMI? Probably: sorry.)

I soooo understand your words, Susan...I binge-join myself, then retreat, too. (I get the note you left on my blog. Yes, we are "companionable!") So good to know others go through the same or very similar things.

I am astounded at how much you are reading. Mind if I ask how much you retain? I think I can manage about a quarter of theat...during a productive month.

Reading feeds the writing.

Glad, very glad work is better and that you have wheels most of the time. (Books on tape from the library? I bet you do!)

Noah the Great said...

Awesome! I'm glad things are starting to become better...

Depression seems to be one of my best friends.

Goodnight, Mom said...

Yeeeaaahhh! She's back! I've missed you!!!

I cannot believe that you have read so much in April. If I get through ONE book a month, I feel great! I bow to you!

Never heard about that book about weight loss but man, I need something, too!

Glad to read you, again!

susan said...

Hi Deb and Kristi,

Surprisingly, I can tell you about every single book I read. More in depth on some more than others, but I actually took them in. I will be posting some annotations of some of the ones I really enjoyed and you can visit my bookshelf to see what I read. If you're interested in any of them, let me know.

Last night I finished _Kindred_ by Octavia Butler. Whoa!

susan said...

Noah, Don't stay depressed too long nor alone. I've learned to retreat for shorter periods of time and to work through the dark periods.

Cynthia said...

Your reading group sounds like a challenge but lots of fun.
Oh I'm a great believer in walking
and water to cure depression and
toss in soft instrumental music.

christine said...

I'm so impressed with your reading and the groups you've joined. you do have a lot of energy. Maybe you're an extrovert, someone who is recharged by being with others? Or maybe you finally say enough is enough, I need a life line. sounds like you know yourself and what works for you.

debs underwear comment cracked me up. I go along thinking I look fine until I catch a glimpse from the waist down. Ugh! The trick is to only look at yourself in a whole mirror, all at once, very fast, focusing on the parts you like the best, like your eyes. Glad you're back. Love your open honesty.

Tessa said...

Hi Z(Susan:),
I just dropped by to check out your blog, and to lend my high-five, voice, and smiles to the chorus.

I'll see you later, friend.