This will be short. I'm in San Diego visiting my daughter. She has a really nice place. Maude, she's so neat (I'm feeling guilty thinking about my desk, my closet, my bedroom). She picks me up in a newer model car, a gas guzzler and like a mother,I critisize how big and expensive the car is instead of complimenting her for having the credit and job to buy a car like this. Smack upside the head for that one. I made a mental note to compliment her often and to keep my opinions about her life at a minimum. My daughter misses her mommy and clearly wants her to be impressed.
She treated me to a manicure and pedicure (I couldn't stop laughing while the young woman scrubbed my feet. It tickled and I realized I either never had a pedicure or it's been so long I've forgotten). The spa treatment was nice. I couldn't stop thinking Rick was spending too much money. I don't need these things.
She cooked me dinner last night. Very rich meal. She made stuffed salmon and beans and rice. These are foods I used to make for her (I don't recall this combination though) and I know she really wanted me to have a special dinner. I told her it's really good. What I was feeling was I wish she wouldn't try so hard to please me. I'm her mother and I love her. I'm very proud of her. I also worry about her because like most of us- she gets some things right but...
Back to me. I'm glad I'm spending time with my daughter so why can't I relax? Because those other things. I did not survive my twenties because I was mature and bright. I think they call it grace. I can't relax because I'm her mother. My daughter is 23. I wish she had had a better model mom.
I see how we're alike and how we're different. I see two women grasping at strings we remember binding us together. We didn't have the best friends mother daughter relationship. We had the other one. As adults, we're trying to create a space where fantasy and memories smoothe over old wounds. It's not a matter of lack of love, it's trying to figure out what our love is suppose look like.
A friend wrote about her relationship with her mom, and I could relate except I'm the mom. I don't know the details and they aren't necessary. Motherhood and parenting, these aren't my strengths. I work with young girls because I've been where they are. I've been the daughter and the mother. And I know the monsters bleed. They are as scared as much as they are scary. Somebody turn the light on.