Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Confession Tuesday

It’s Tuesday. So what do I confess today? Anyone interested in talking about body image? I’ve been working out with a trainer for a month now. I’m feeling better and I’ve lost a few pounds. Still, when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in passing (no, I don’t like taking in full, honest looks) this morning, I didn’t like what I saw. Now I could complain about hating the extra weight, wrong shape and so on, but when I stopped and thought about it, I remembered I’ve never been happy with my body. Okay, I did feel pretty powerful, sexy and bold when I was bodybuilding but even then, I couldn’t get to my ideal weight.

You all know where this is going. There is no great revelation here, like most women, I suffer from what girls have suffered since before grade school: ideas of perfect images of feminine beauty and the ill-fitting reality of what our bodies really look like.

Despite growing up no-frills, so not the girly girl who liked dressing up and parading around girlfriends and boys alike, I am plagued by a lousy body image. I’m approaching the mid-century mark and deep inside, I still fantasize about having that body that will finally look just right.

Don’t worry despite the decades of criticism both self-inflicted and otherwise I’m not completely neurotic. Not a confession, more like a desperate wish, I’d like stop waiting for that day I’d have that body.

I hope no one feels depressed behind this, because despite the fantasy and the current baggage, I have had some good days. Over the years, I have grown to celebrate the body I have (fantastic time competing as a bodybuilder and teaching aerobics and at night, sporting killer fishnets and leopard print).

I’m an optimist. I’m pretty sure before I hit the grand mid-century mark, I’m going enjoy looking in the mirror for more than a nano-second.

How about you? Do you love your body?

10 comments:

Thinking Aloud said...

Hello Susan,

You have heard my lament about the butt and all, but I must say, the pregnancy weight is gone, last week I sported a bikini and got some lingering stares, so now I am feeling pretty good.
So good in fact, that I even went out and got a trap stamp.

Eva said...

In high school, I thought that I was so ugly I shouldn't go out into public and inflict myself on other people. ;) It got a bit better in college, but I still had a lot of ugly moments. But then when I was 20, I made a concerted effort to begin to change how my mind thought about itself. It was a ton of work, but 3 years later I have a bunch more self-esteem. I still have to monitor myself to prevent old habits from popping back up, but it's made such a difference in my happiness level. :)

rhapsodyinbooks said...

I don't even LOOK anymore - not below the neck, anyway!!!

January said...

We all have those days when we don't like our bodies very much. But usually going to the gym makes me feel powerful, so I understand how you feel after a workout.

Dorla Moorehouse said...

I struggled with body image for most of my life, but as I discovered Fat Acceptance and Health at Every Size (HAES), I learned to eat intuitively, learned to exercise for fun rather than weight loss, and to appreciate my body.

Jessie Carty said...

I'm definitely not accepting of my body, and I attribute it to being over weight because I liked myself when I was a smaller size. Even then, however, there were moments when I'd question the fact that I always had popeye arms even when was like 100 pounds or something. We really need to give ourselves a break!

Jessica said...

www.operationbeautiful.com

You will LOVE it!

Colleen said...

Having just reached 41, I am so so with you on this. I don't really have a bunch of weight to lost - maybe 5 pounds or so which means it's just really vanity weight but still I can't help but think that I would/could/should look better. It drives me nuts but there it is. All you can do is keep moving and keep appreciating that your body moves.

This body works so hard for me; I wish I could learn to give it a break.

Carleen Brice said...

We have a lot in common. I was a tomboy who ran and played ball with the guys. I didn't body build but back in the day I was a stone gym rat. It just dawned me about a month ago (after starting Weight Watchers) that "back in the day" is 20 years ago! I've been carrying around this old, old ideal version of myself that just ain't going to happen again. So now I'm trying to figure out what makes sense for me now.

susan said...

Glad to hear from you all.

Had a killer workout last night. My trainer rocks. She's a teacher during the day and she lost more than 65 pounds and kept it off so I really enjoy working with her.

My goal is 30 pounds by May.