Wednesday, January 23, 2008

draft

Okay, we had to work with a description and image of entering a dark basement. To see other entries, visit The Last Piaster


It was like crawling into its belly.
It smelled like soured food and its teeth were
crooked and splintered; they creaked
with each step I took.

Five steps in and I could reach out to my left
and pull on its tonsils and there would be light.

I was convinced just as my eyes adjusted,
I saw small creatures scurrying to burrowed
holes in its flesh.

*I'm really not feeling this one. A pretty rough draft. The only thing I like is idea of what I wanted this to be.

13 comments:

paisley said...

i really like the premise,, humanizing it like you have....

tumblewords said...

Like Paisley, I like the personification but wonder if it wouldn't read stronger without the 'like's' ie.
crawling into its belly
smelled sour food
crooked teeth splintered
creaked....
Or something! Grin.
I laughed when I read your final sentence. How often does that happen to each of us?? LOL

susan said...

Tumblewords, rereading it now, I agree. I need to rework it without the 'likes.'

Noah said...

Based on what you wrote, I wrote something similar. Perhaps, some ideas you can take? I'm better at showing than explaining

Crawling into its belly surfaced the
smell of soured food that lodged
itself between the empty spaced gaps

and hid a tonsil to the left of
five feet in with an expulsion
of light from disturbing its

rest. The lens focused unclearly
from the sudden immersion of
inverted vision; the pitter patter

scurried creatures into every crevice that contained the absence
of light they craved to drink.

Plain Foolish said...

I think it might help to take it moment by moment, anchoring each to the impression then. This has fear and - for lack of a better word - ickyness, but there's nothing concrete: "would be light" and "convinced... I saw".

SA said...

I like it. It just seems like the poem started in the middle.

SA

writerwoman said...

Update on I Promise List at PWB. Please check it out.

writerwoman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
writerwoman said...

I think you have all the words you need, but it might work better in a different order.

Five steps in and I could reach out to my left
and pull on its tonsils
then there would be light.

It smelled like soured food-
its teeth
crooked and splintered.

They creaked
with each step I took-
like crawling into its belly.

My eyes adjusted,
I was almost convinced,
I saw small creatures scurrying to burrow
holes in its flesh.


I think the images are strong. Sorry for the rewrite.

susan said...

I think it needs a lot work or chuck it. My focus was actually trying to encorporate all the elements U.P. dictated. I was conscious of trying to create open images, writing a beginning, middle and end. I think SA said what I knew after-the-fact, I started more in the middle.

janetleigh said...

Hi Susan, and welcome to our group! I think the premise of your poem is great, Susan. I think the order of your story could use some tweaking as others have said here. But I just love the whole idea of this one. Why not think on it for a bit cuz chucking it seems extreme. You have almost a whole poem there..:)

Poetmeister...on the road to Parnassus

...deb said...

I like the idea behind it, too. I don't think you should chuck it. The others' comments should help with what doesn't work as deftly as you'd like it to.

susan said...

Thank you all. I'll keep it. Eventually, I'll revisit it and revise. Currently, there is a need, an urging to address other themes, primarily politics and global concerns.